1a) If you were God, what would you do differently?

TOM: I don't think I'd create humans. We are far too inferior to the deity. The notion that we were created in the Imago Dei is silly and self-serving. Instead, I think I'd find a goddess who was at least as sexy as Patricia and Kimberly of Babel fame. And I'd spend all of eternity getting off. As it is with us humans now, if you string together all of our orgasms in a single year, they last all of 15 minutes. Okay, for Jeremy Fleming, maybe 16 minutes. But for most mortals, 15 is about tops. So I ask you, what decent deity worth his or her salt would create such an inferior fuck and pass us off as being created in his or her image?

1b) If you were the President of the United States?

TOM: The first thing I'd do is shoot all lobbyists. I do that pretty good in my book. Lobbyists run the country, everyone knows that. It is not a government of the people, by the people and for the people. It is a sham that screws the people and confiscates our money at every turn. I think the estimate is that we work for the government until June 30. After that date, whatever we make is ours. I'm not against paying taxes. Firemen and other public servants deserve to be paid. Bridges need to be maintained and schools need to educate. What I'm against is the !@@#$%^&**(()) IRS. As President, I'd abolish it. Little wonder the first sentence in my book reads, "As IRS director Mildred Hartsfield opened the car door, her head exploded."

2) Tell us about your past experience running a house-cleaning business. In particular, please comment on the statement you make on the back cover of your book (Absolute Responsibility, Strict Accountability) in which you say "everyone else was getting paid except me."

TOM: I live on a barrier island where tourism is a major part of our economy. Until I moved here, (I'm told) all house cleaners were off the books. That means, cash was exchanged for services rendered, but the government never saw a dime on taxes. I made the big mistake of declaring my earnings, paying taxes on same, withholding FICA and Medicare taxes and matching the same amount. After subtracting the taxes from the money earned, subtracting insurance, subtracting workman's comp, subtracting supplies, vehicular payments, wages, and on and on, I found I was subsidizing my own business with money earned by my wife. It was costing me her money to go scrub toilets in other peoples' homes! So I said to myself, "Self, for a pretty smart dude, you are one dumb son-of-a-bitch."

3) What advice/suggestions would you offer to those thinking of starting their own small business?

TOM: DON'T!! The tax structure is such that it is designed to put you out of business. And it ain't worth going to jail over tax dollars stuffed in your own pocket in order to survive. They'll catch you. It's what they do. They steal our money with impunity, but if we miss a single tax payment, they come down on us like a ton of bricks. But I got even with the bastards in my book, didn't I?

4) Where do you find your inspiration to write?

TOM: My own life and studies. For nearly 60 years, I had no distinct voice. I read and wrote scholarly things. But that was research. It was not until I sold my housecleaning business that all of a sudden a book exploded in my mind. I'd inherited a couple of dollars - enough to buy a computer - and the day it was installed, I wrote the first 15 pages of my book. The words just ran out of my fingers. I couldn't have stopped them if I'd have tried. Most of the characters are various aspects of me and what happened to me in real life. The Tax Hater, Clarence Henry - is me. His story is mine. The Drunk, Melvine Hogard, is me. His first meeting at AA was my first meeting, 21 years ago.

5) Tell us about when, where, and how long you served as a minister and if you still perform in this capacity.

TOM: I was/am a Presbyterian minister, and I was active in the church from 1965 until I retired in 1997. The only time I go to church now-a-days is when I'm asked to conduct the service. That happens once a year at a small independent church on our island. I do, however, lecture three or four times a year, by request, on subjects the congregation picks or I pick. Usually the series is for six weeks on a night of their choosing. I also do three or four marriage ceremonies on the beach, in homes, on boats - wherever - and I conduct three to five funerals each year. But other than that, I don't have much to do with the organized church. The reason is that it's so damn boring. How many times must one listen to the plea to come to Jesus when that is all the content there is? I did that, long ago. Now what? My own denomination, for example, is still fighting over ordaining homosexuals. For the last 25 years, I've tried to tell them that it is a non-issue, but they still fight and lose members. I can't be a part of such small-mindedness. In the Ish-ka-bbel, there is no word for homosexual. Homosexuality may get 5 or 6 mentions, which is exactly the same number of mentions peas and beans get. So, in my opinion, the Book is as interested in the subject as it is in peas and beans. Lesbianism isn't mentioned, and so I prefer to go on the basis that what is not prohibited is allowed.

6) Can you give our readers some idea of the "process" involved in creating your works?

TOM: Mostly, I sit right down and turn on the computer, and out the stuff runs. I've never had a moment when I was unable to write something. I know where my books are going. I know my story line and my characters. I know my ending. The rest is just fun. When I wrote the scene in my book, Absolute Responsibility, Strict Accountability, (where I slather Washington, D.C. in genuine North Carolina pigshit) I laughed for a week. I still laugh every time I think about it or read it. For me, writing is pure joy. Without a prostate, that energy gets sublimated into words on paper.

7) How much has your ministerial background served to influence your current political views and life philosophy? What would you say has influenced you the most?

TOM: Well, I can't duck or deny who I am/was. I've reduced my theology to two (2) words and five (5) words of commentary. Namely, "God is," and "The rest is all negotiable." After all, since we've had the benefit of the church for more than 2000 years, we've finally produced a group of believers who no longer lie, commit adultery, steal, lust after neighbors, kill or any of the other "Thou shalt nots". Horsefeathers!! If some son-of-a-bitch comes into my home with the intent of murdering my wife and me, I'll do everything I can to make sure it is he and not I who goes out in a body bag. But I'd prefer not to have to take such actions. I would like it if the world were the peaceable kingdom painted in the sacred writing of most religions. But it ain't now and probably never will be. So reality influences me more than anything. And the reality I deal with daily is that all folk aren't nice and didn't learn to share in kindergarten. And just as soon as you prove to me you are not a nice person, I'll give you a very wide berth. But, if you invade my space with criminal intent to do me harm, get ready for a fight, 'cause I'm going to be one tough old fart to beat.

8) Could you briefly describe your experiences with the various aspects of the publishing industry (both mainstream and independent)?

TOM: Mainstream is a disaster. You need an agent or incredible luck, and probably both. With the proliferation of the Net, more manuscripts are available than ever before. Most of them are not worth the paper they are written on, but who cares? Certainly not the writer. But the palace guards for publishers (and for actors and for anyone who reads) are so programmed that an unknown doesn't stand a real chance to get her/his writings published and promoted and sold by a mainstream publisher. It is a question of money. Grisham sells. Fairley doesn't, and by the way, who the hell is Fairley, or what is a Fairley? Publishers care about money, period. I paid thousands of dollars to get my book into print because I had the money. I think I wrote a very thought-provoking, extremely funny book, but it is a print-on-demand book. If someone demands one, the publisher will print one. So who knows my book is available if it isn't in bookstores? Answer: No one. Major papers refuse to review POD books because they've gotten burned by their readers in the past. Readers go to the store expecting to buy a copy of the great book just reviewed, only to be told it has to be ordered and the wait may be 3 to 5 weeks or more. So, unless you have incredible luck, a publicist who is a family member, lots of money for self-promotion, and an agent, your chances of making it beyond a small number of sales is quite small.

9) In your piece entitled, "Palestinian/Israeli Conflict," you state that Palestinians and Israelis are "DNA encoded to hate each other." Please explain why you think this is so, and if there are any specific exceptions to this.

TOM: There is a line from the musical "South Pacific" that says something like this: You've got to be carefully taught before you're 7 or 8 to hate all the people your relatives hate. You've got to be carefully taught.

Palestinians and Israelis have been in the business of hating and killing each other for more than 3000 years. Just last week, the Israelis interdicted a ship bound for Palestinian terrorists that had 50 tons of weapons. As soon as that happened, two terrorists attacked an Israeli army outpost and killed four soldiers. The two terrorists were also killed. The Israeli army then destroyed 100 homes of Palestinians in retaliation. There is no thought involved in this activity. Each person and each side does what comes naturally because it is as natural for them to hate and kill each other as it is to breathe. The only thing that will stop the violence is for them to kill each other until only one person survives who is a Palestinian or an Israeli. Then that one person can declare victory and get on with his or her life. Short of that, nothing will ever stop the hatred and the killing. Nothing.

10) What, in your studied opinion, needs to be done to resolve the Palestinian/Israeli conflict? Do you believe that a realistic and equitable resolution is attainable given the current political situation and long-standing history of hostility that exists?

TOM: I think we should give each side enough ordinance to kill the other side 20 times over and over. Whoever emerges with one person surviving the carnage will be declared the winner. Short of that, nothing will ever change in that war-torn world of hatred, mistrust, misunderstanding, and war. Nothing.

11) What are your thoughts on the death penalty in the United States? How does this reconcile with your religious background?

TOM: I'm all for making all convicted murderers CRISPY CRITTERS. Strap them down and light them up in the electric chair. Fuck the needle shit. I'm currently writing a book called "Giving Back". It's about infecting all condemned prisoners with every disease we can't cure yet, and letting the doctors and scientists try to find a cure using THEM as subjects. So what if they die? The state plans to kill them anyway. Let them give something back to society for a change. They have been takers all their lives. Before they die, give them a chance to give something back to the society they harmed. As I said before, I believe that "GOD IS" and "THE REST IS ALL NEGOTIABLE". I, for one, don't believe in rewarding bad behavior, and keeping a murderer alive at $30,000 per year on the public tit, and spending only $500 a year on a kid in a school - is simply WRONG. Our priorities are all fucked up. Kids should get $30,000 a year for their education, and murderers should get the CHAIR.

12) We are hearing via mainstream media that concerns are being expressed with regard to possible civil rights violations of arrested terrorists. What is your response to terrorist sympathizers?

TOM: Let them be their jailors and take care of them as they think they should be cared for. Terrorists don't value life. To them, life is cheap. It is not precious as it is in our society. They would slice their sympathizer's throats and drink their blood for fun. I say, let the sympathizers adopt a terrorist and take him home for the summer to play nice. And in 10 minutes, after the terrorist murders everyone in the sympathizer's family and neighborhood, let's see how sympathetic he is to the rotten bastard. Terrorists have no "civil rights". I'd like the job of exterminating them myself. They are vermin. They carry diseases. They need to be killed like a rat is killed. I wish families who lost loved ones in the World Trade Center had the right to kill at least one terrorist any way they wanted to. Oh, how sweet that would be.

13) If you could meet with Osama bin Laden in a room for one hour, which hat would you see yourself wearing - Minister? Author? Researcher? Citizen? What would you say to him?

TOM: None of the above. I'd say nothing to him. I'd use my foot and break his knee so he'd drop like a stone. Then I'd beat him to death with a ball bat. I'd break every bone in his body before I delivered the fatal blow. Nothing short of that is good enough for him. I would take hours to accomplish my task. And I would enjoy every moment.

14) How do you see the "war on terrorism" being played out in the end? Do you believe terrorism can be thwarted in any significant way?

TOM: We can only win the war if we get tough. By that, I mean we have to view terrorists as vermin. They resigned from the human race and are no longer human. We must expend the same energy to get rid of them as we do to get rid of cancer or some other dreaded disease. Once we see this war as one, that we are all involved, we'll then have the long view of things, rather than our usual McDonald's mentality of "instant everything."

15) Which U.S. president(s) would you rate the highest in terms of overall job performance, honesty/integrity, and policy-making? Which would you rate the least effective?

TOM: I have a favorite story of President Kennedy. He assembled the most brilliant cabinet in the history of the presidency. He invited them all to dinner at the White House and remarked that so much brain power had not been seen around that particular table since Thomas Jefferson dined there alone. For me, Mr. Kennedy was "My President." He spoke my language. He thought my thoughts. That he was a whore-monger never came out until long after his death. But what's a little skin between friends, anyway? Power and sex have always run side by side. History will probably not rate him very high - but in my book, he was "My President" and when he died, I cried for years afterward. I couldn't pick up a book about him and read it without crying my eyes out. When TV clips show him on the Berlin Wall and he delivered the famous line, I still get chills. I know that right now Ronald Reagan ranks pretty high in the history books, but in time I think he'll go down as the worst we ever had. I never liked him. I never voted for him. And I never benefited from his "trickle down." All trickle down did, when translated properly, was to piss on all of us who got taxed and taxed some more.

16) Do you think that people in today's society have lost touch with their intuitive side and therefore lost contact with the spiritual world? What are your thoughts on this subject?

TOM: Not at all. I believe that people are no more or less spiritual today than they have been in the past. There is just more exposure today than in the past. The problem as I see it is that people forget that there is just one day set aside for religion. They want to cram it down your throat seven days a week from morning to the wee hours of the next morning. Get a life. People need to work and to do other things. They certainly need to spend more time talking to each other. To me, talking to my wife, Kate, is probably the most spiritual experience I can ever have. Her mind is brilliant. I benefit every time she says something to me. She makes the Divine visible for me in her kindness and in her concern. And after all is said and done, isn't that what it's all about?