Since this writing will appear precisely the day after the Academy Awards (Sunday, February 29th), I’d like to think of this piece as what you might call a blindfolded pre-post mortem – working without a net, so to speak. And for this year at least, perhaps we’ll put less emphasis on the actual nominees.

For starters, here’s my Top Ten film list of 2003:

#1 (tie) --- Cold Mountain & Master and Commander
#3 --- Love, Actually
#4 --- Mystic River
#5 --- Kill Bill Vol. 1
#6 --- Seabiscuit
#7 --- 21 Grams
#8 --- Monster
#9 --- Lost in Translation
#10 --- Matchstick Men

I know what you’re thinking: “He’s on drugs”: where is The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King? (Breathe.) Sorry, kiddies, this column’s for grown-ups. Yes, I suffered my 3 hours and 15 minutes of strained seriousness and turgid dialogue – wondering what on (middle)earth they were talking about (?) And I just loved those cute little orcs and their nasty big monsters battling the grateful dead. But what do we have here? A good toy show. But is it cinema? After about the fifth anti-climax, my movie pal and I turned to each other and rolled our eyes and prayed for the end. And oh yes, besides gay Gandolf (Ian McKellan), were there any good actors in this mealege? (Don’t look that up.) I’ll tell you one very bad actor: Viggo Mortensen. What a stick! And what’s he doing in this war movie? In real life he’s a flaming peacenik who goes around wearing t-shirts with slogans usually containing the word, “Oil”.

But back to my precious top ten. What? You say you don’t like ties? You say there should be a playoff game between “Master” and “Mountain”? Sorry, I’m an old school BCS guy and’ve never had a problem with ties. They’re fun. Let’s keep the good old bowl system alive.

But seriously ladies and germs, I just can’t choose between these two remarkable films. I saw “Cold Mountain” first and thought there could be nothing else so good. But then I saw “Master and Commander” and was blown away by this powerful and engrossing film – with the brilliant Russell Crowe at the helm in pursuit of one of “Old Boney’s” warships. But better than the sea battles are the scenes of everyday life aboard ship: the daily routines, chores, problems, eating, drinking and singing, men living cheek-by-jowl day-in-and-day-out. You can smell the brine and sweat. And the cabin boys are not hobbits, thank God. Sean Penn deserves the Oscar for best actor in “Mystic River.” But if it was up to me, I would give it to Crowe for his masterful (and commander) performance – far surpassing his role in the slightly overrated “Gladiator” of ’00. And let’s not forget that the following year he was royally screwed out of best actor for “A Beautiful Mind” by the selection of Denzel Washington for the miserable “Training Day” (no offense to the great Denzel, but you-know-and-I-know Denzy could have phoned that role in). One final selection for Master & Commander: my choice for best supporting actor goes to Paul Bettany, as the ship’s doctor. You might remember this actor as Crowe’s imaginary friend in “A Beautiful Mind.” And get a load of these two playing duos on fiddle and cello.

“Cold Mountain” shows you scenes of wartime life you never saw in “Gone with the Wind,” believe you me. Jude Law is the sizzling new screen sensation. (By the way, can two heterosexual guys marry each other? Of course, I’m just asking for a friend of mine.) Law plays a wounded Confederate soldier who walks 300 miles home to the woman he loves (Nicole Kidman) who is alone on the edge of destitution until a self-reliant drifter (Renee Zellweger) shows up at her garden gate to pull Nicole’s shit together. In return, Nicole reads Renee to sleep each night with Bronte’s “Wuthering Heights.” But even back here on the home front any day can be your last in this evil time. Mean, dangerous drifters are everywhere – as well as decent folk and all of those in-between. The film cuts back-and-forth between these two scenes. Jude Law goes through hell and high water, meeting every begger and bugger imaginable along the way, and somehow makes it all the way back to Cold Mountain. But thank you, Lord, for not giving us the usual sappy Hollywood ending. Best supporting actress, it says here: Renee Zellweger. What a gal! Finally, get your soundtrack CD. Cold Mountain is loaded with good old fashioned gospel in the spirit of “Oh brother where art thou?”

Of course I feel guilty about putting light-as-meringue “Love, Actually” # 3 on my big ten. But no film this year made me feel so much joy and warmth. This English pic charms the pants off you with a fine ensemble cast led by Hugh Grant as, would you believe, the prime minister? Grant is my guilty pleasure – so sue me. One smarty pants put this bon-bon on his top ten worst list, calling it “Love, Awfully.” But it’s my pet. It belongs to me. And dammit, it goes on my top ten.

“Mystic River” is yet another Clint Eastwood meisterpiece; gripping, tough-as-nails, and everyone in it should be a nominee, including Larry Fishburne, for whom I’ve heard no mention.

The Great Tarantino is back with the outrageous “Kill Bill Vol. I.” Q-Man is our Visconti.

Seabiscuit is good old-fashioned filmmaking, but with very fresh visual ideas. Best horse racing film ever.

One critic said, “You don’t enjoy “21 Grams”, you recover from it.” I did just that the same day by seeing “Monster” and choose Charlize Theron as best actress. But Naomi Watts (21 Grams) still makes my heart go pitter-patter.

“Lost in Translation” by La Coppola checks in here at number 9. Bill Murray turns up in surprise after surprise in the years since SNL and is by far the greatest talent to ever come out of that show. I’m surprised “Lost in Translation” is one of the five nominees for best film. It’s so understated and laid back. Its humor is like the driest martini you ever drank. This against the gaudy Tokyo backdrop makes for a very odd work of art – which indeed it is. And if Bill Murray wins best actor, it wouldn’t be the end of the world for this reviewer. Meanwhile, check out the luscious Scarlett Johansson as world class eye candy – then wipe the drool off your chin.

Squeezing in at # 10 for me is the neglected “Matchstick Men” with yet another incredible performance by Nicolas Cage – coming off the brilliant “Adaptation”. (The Coppola family: good genes, but lousy wine.)

One last thought: the late word on the street is that Johnny Depp is going to upset Sean Penn for best actor for his fruity performance in the more swish than swash “Pirates of the Caribbean.” I’ve let it be known for a long time now that Johnny Depp is my favorite actor of his generation. But sorry, J.D., your statue will come, but I think not this year. You already did the mint much better in “Ed Wood.” Loved the argyle sweater.