Finally, Brad Pitt has his signature film as the mighty Achilles in “Troy.” I had been expecting him to play Helen – so I was pleasantly surprised. And please believe me when I tell you this mofu could fight like nothing you ever saw before. Name any superhero … I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but he could even beat-up Uma Thurman!

Those Greek gays knew how to fight a war. War: this is when you kill the enemy and also torture them. And take plenty of snapshots. And then torture them some more.

“War.” “War.” Say it out loud. Words have meaning, you nits without nuts!

3500 years ago those Spartans and Trojans were more civilized than we are here in 2004. Are you going to tell me that Greece wasn’t the cradle of civilization? Are you going to tell me the Trojans weren’t Pro-choice?

Pass the Cliff Notes please. (I got to get all these names right.) Oh hell, everybody knows the story: Little pencil neck geek Paris (Orlando Bloom, who for the rest of the piece will be referred to as “Gay Paree”) was partying down in Sparta and bonking the queen: Helen (Diane Kruger), wife of big shot Menelaus. But no, that wasn’t good enough for Gay Paree. He had to abduct her back on the ship to Troy. Somehow this didn’t sit too well with the Spartans, and all hell broke loose.

Worth the price of admission: a high angle shot of a Spartan ship: the camera slowly pulls out and up, then suddenly we see a thousand ships. I’ll be Stanley Kubricked!

Achilles hits the beach hours before the other 999 crafts, and with his trusty gang (among whom we catch a glimpse of Odeseus) decimates a sizeable portion of the Trojan army. He storms the Temple of Apollo and makes ground chuck out of the priests (who weren’t even hiding WMDs), then pulls down all the statues and idols and makes a downright bloody mess. Then he kills the rest of the Trojans without a helluva lot of help from his mates. But he does let Hector (Eric Bana) go home so he could distort the war news on his NPR show.

The father of Hector and Paris is played by that old drunken retrobate, Peter O’Toole, as King Priam. Director Wolfgang Petersen had a 24-hour watch put on the liquor cabinet to get the best performance out of O’Toole since his debut role as Laurence of Arabia 40-years ago.

And ah, such casting: the original Hannibal the Cannibal himself, Brian Cox as the one and the only Agamemnon, a real humanitarian!

Except for the big wooden horsey, Odeseus’ brainstorm (more about him in your Cliff Notes, frat cats), there’s not much to say about this final chapter of the Iliad. The story lurches from one fierce battle to another with billions and billions of soldiers running at each other clashing and clanging and killing – and killing and clanging and clashing ‘till the beaches are soaked with blood. Don’t miss this movie – all you who would like to release your id for two precious hours and cleanse your guts of the black bile build-up of today’s news and world reports.

Achilles can usually be found in a three-way in his private tent and fights only when he damn well pleases. So for awhile things are looking bad for King Agy and the Spartans, but when Hector kills Achilles best “boy,” this sets up the big fight for the heavyweight championship of the world: Eric Bana the Hulk versus Achilles the Pitt. It says here to bet the farm on Brad the Pitt.

But damn it, there’s not enough violence in this film – even though Troy is completely destroyed. Gay Paree shoots an arrow into Achilles heel. This is the only way you can kill him – go for the heel! Anyhow, Troy is wiped off the face of the earth with nary a mention of “nation building.” And nobody ever tries to bang Helen again (except for me in my dreams).