you wanna know who I’m voting for in november? (and understand that the people-who-refer-to-themselves-in-the-third-person-as-crazycarl vote is crucial in the swing states)…..maybe I should back up and retrace my voting history for you…..in 1988, I was young and idealistic and voted for ron paul, libertarian…..in 1992, I voted (absurdly) for evelina b carpenter (the bee-hived registrar of my home county who is the spitting image of ma bear from “the hillbilly bears”)……in 1996, I voted for bill clinton---not because I agreed with his politics, but because he was the biggest rock star in the land…..because I was hoping that he would fuck maryland congresswoman, barbara mikulski up the ass on the white house lawn…..in 2000, I voted for evelina b carpenter and I would like to vote for her in 2004---unless, of course, every single person that I meet for the next 100 days feels compelled to come up and tell me who they’re voting for and why…..i know this is amerika, but I’m not at liberty to tell you why voting against one of your candidates equates to voting against julie for me, but it damn skippy does…..it’s my idiosyncrasy, my flaw, my absurdity, and my spite---not yours…..you say you’re not voting for kerry because bill o’reilly told you on tv that kerry likes to have gay communist sex with art bell’s ugly stepmother?----that’s a fact right there, baby---don’t vote for him…..you say you heard that michael moore has a tape of george w bush searching (unsuccessfully) for art bell’s ugly stepmother’s taint?---that’s proof of his bumbling right there, baby---don’t vote for him….tv facts make a lot more sense than julie-facts too, ya know…..and a tucker carlson fact in regards to how many retarded, blind children bill clinton fingerfucked and then murdered in 1972 is much more important than maria menounos’ oscar coverage of scarlett johannson’s dress….and for years, I’ve told wred fright that democrats to republicans are as steelers are to browns, but in retrospect, I think a professional wrestling analogy works better…..everyone reading this paragraph is for the good guy, right?----the republican is the hero who’s standing up for real american values, right?----or is that the democrat?….it’s not like I forgot---it’s more like I could give a shit…..and both sides will ooooh and ahhhh on the campaign trail about how your grandmother lost her house during the depression/recession, but go up to their palatial mansions afterwards and ask for help and see if they don’t sick the motherfucking dogs on you……you want a real life example?…..since george w bush is president right now, I’ll use him, but don’t forget to consider the question of what bill clinton would do to you if he would cheat on his wife…..george w bush is gonna log in the national forest and that’s bad, right?…..well during the depression, roosevelt sent the ccc (civilian conservation corp) to the virginia mountains to drive the homesteaders (my ancestors) off their land, so the government could burn their houses down and “build” a national park…..you think the other good people of america stood up and tried to stop the u.s. government from “displacing” my homepeople?----nope, they could have given a shit…..ask some yuppie carpetbagger riding his $1800 mountain bike through my homeland about it now and his conditioned response will be: “I think it’s good that the government took the national park from the rich and gave it to the people”---yeah dude, my great-aunt wore a flour-sack dress and had 2 teeth when the government burned her house to the ground, but it’s good that you can drive down from alexandria for the weekend in your suv and pretend to be a mountain man…..how many of my great aunt’s teeth do you think your $2200 tent would buy?…..anyway, so I’m against logging the national forests in 2004, right?---truthfully, I could give a shit….maybe if george w bush bulldozes the national forest, then the grandchildren of those “displaced” in virginia and oregon and everywhere else will get the logging jobs----maybe they’ll even make enough money to buy some extra fucking crack for the week……and the flatlanders say: “well, the indians had the land first---until the government took it from them”…..and I say: “hooray for the pop-up books---I didn’t realize that you could read”…..the point is: the government does what it fucking wants to and there’s no sense taking either side…..and if you do try and they come steal your land and burn your house, don’t say I didn’t warn you……it makes a lot more sense to write about looking up the skirts of 18-year-old girls, ya know----to write about parties and drugs and mama…..vince mcmahon does what he wants to do too----he has no competition and the wrestlers have no insurance…..did george w bush make you an alcoholic?…..are bill clinton and the democrats the reason why your life is so fucked up and you can’t get a job?…..do you fucking hate hunter hearst helmsley?….do you remember what he did to the rock back at summer slam?…..is he secretly in-cahoots with the boss because he used to be tv-married to mcmahon’s daughter?…..is he secretly in-cahoots with the boss because he’s married to mcmahon’s daughter in “real life”?….do profession wrestlers sit at the same table and have dinner with each other after the matches are over?….did bush and kerry and doonesbury all go to yale?….do they care about you, cleveland or do they care about making money?…..and you want me to apologize for voting against julie?---fattyfat fucking chance…..and you want me to apologize for rooting for the heel and against your favorite?….for voting to spite you (my friends---not the icons on tv) because I’m sick of listening to your rhetoric?---at least the wrestling commentators are aware of the fact that every single word coming out of their collective mouths is bullshit…..