so “fahrenheit 911” finally made it to my hometown (it’s actually an hour drive from where my parents live to any movie theater, but if you were an insane hillbilly you’d be thankful for a traffic light and any fast food restaurant that wasn’t kfc)…..let me get the particulars out of the way first: the 16-year-old girl with the big-nose who sat in front of me will prolly be pretty hot when she’s 26, but not when she’s 36…..i went to the movie with my father who’s had a couple of slipped discs in his back since the 1970’s and who always has to stand in the rear of the theater for the majority of the show…..this always makes the yuppies around him really uncomfortable, especially at any film where the self-important come to celebrate their self-importance…..i saw “bowling for columbine” with my dad at the same theater and actually spent more time subtly watching bigpapa creep out the locals than I did watching the film……finally, I like michael moore because he’s fat….i certainly appreciate the fact that he’s free enough to do what he does, but primarily, I like him because he’s fat like me…..there aint too many fat people on the cover of “entertainment weekly,” ya know?…..and michael moore could do a documentary on sung koo kim (oh please go look him up on the internet) and I’d still go because michael moore is the biggest, fattest celebrity in the world……ok, onto the movie….the thing I like the most about michael moore movies is his use of the amateur ---I like my porn amateur and I like my documentaries amateur…..an unknown iraqi grandmother crying means 1000 times more to me than a tv sound bite or file footage of american tanks rumbling through baghdad that I’ve seen 1000 times…..the same goes for the kosmic truths espoused by smalltown folk in interviews or the congressmen that moore ambushes in the street---that’s bloodreal and I like to think I feel the scene’s authenticity in my belly (I know it’s only a shadow on the wall, but I’m trying, ya know)…..ok, onto grander themes…..wred fright has always told me that if it weren’t for his college scholarship, he would have had to join the military like everyone else from his hometown…..and I’ve always told wred fright that working in mcdonald’s or selling crack is better than strapping on a rifle and going to someone else’s country and killing them….squatting in your friend’s grandmother’s house and smoking weed and playing x-box all day is better too….what do you do for a living, johnny?….what’s your skill?…what’s your trade?----why, it’s killing people…..killing people is what I’m good at---not flipping burgers or selling crack…..you buys your ticket and you takes your chances, right?---well good, I hope you get what you deserve…..my father has guns, ya know---he uses and respects them the same way he would a hammer or any other tool….and if you came into his house at 3 am to murder his family, he’d shoot you between the eyes…..and lil birds and rabbits follow him around during the day for protection and the only animal he ever kills are the thieving squirrels who come during peach season to take a bite out of every peach in the tree…..the point is: his guns are for defense and not offense…..and if you carry a gun with you to work, I could fucking care less what happens to you regardless of whether you happen to be wearing a black hat or a white hat on that particular day…..next up: george w bush…..he’s certainly a shyster like all the rest, but I’m not 2004-ready to make him the scapegoat for all the world’s ills…..american morality is eat ‘em all capitalism, ya know…..rich people didn’t get to be rich by passing out daisies---they crushed everyone in their path along the way---that’s the american way…..that’s the american mantra….that’s the american ethic and the american dream…..you wanna blame george w bush for everything that’s wrong in our world?---go ahead, but I say the eat ‘em all capitalist of 1904 was just as big a monster…..i say the eat ‘em all capitalist of 2104 could possibly be an even bigger monster…..presidents aren’t humanitarians, ya know---they’re rich dudes who call in favors and hook up their friends with cushy jobs…..i guess what I’m saying is that nothing michael moore said about george w bush or fat cat politicians particularly surprised me----if you were paying attention, I don’t think it would have surprised you either…..you want me to send a shot out to george w bush?----he may be the dumbest of all our presidents…..and if the presidency were a sitcom, he might be the funniest one of them all…..and all wred fright would have to do to make me agree with virtually everything he argues is to change the word, “bush” to “rich people” (and that includes the democrats)….last up: the media…..and dear god and babyjesus, it would make life a whole helluva lot simpler if I believed what any member of any media told me, but I don’t…..i don’t believe anyone-that-I’ve-never-met’s “fact” in regards to anything….i don’t believe fox news…..i don’t believe the local paper when it tells me how many soldiers died in tikrit….i don’t believe conspiracy theorists from the internet…..if I’ve never met the person you’re quoting, I won’t believe you when you tell me something……I have to have had a beer with the person…..i have to have sat at a table with them and looked into their eyes…..i have to have slept on their couch or done a bunch of drugs with them back in 1998……and the kerry people go nuts when I tell them I’m voting absurdist or that I’m voting for bush…..and the bush people go nuts when I tell them that I’m voting absurdist or that I’m voting for kerry……straight-up, the only politician in my life that I’m actually proud to have voted for is ben “cooter” jones from “the dukes of hazzard” who ran for congress in virginia and lost in 2003….i would bring him cucumbers and tomatoes from my dad’s garden and he would give me free stickers and “dukes” memorabilia…..i brought him some illegal ohio fireworks one time too and his wife watched our stuff as wred and i walked around the cleveland auto show that time…..cooter was my friend and I was proud to have voted for him…..i’m not proud to vote for tv icons though…..michael moore can’t sway my vote and neither can you (assuming you spin what’s already been pre-spun for us all)…..i could give a rat’s ass what you think of someone you’ve never met and I don’t think the dude on tv is gonna all-of-sudden start smacktalking you…..i will watch to see how long you park on the bowl though and I’ll be looking deeply into your eyes for a reaction when I tell you the story of the last time I shit my pants…..i guess the moral of the story is that the amateur (porn or politics or life) is much more special to me than the professional (porn or politics or life)…..i don’t want you at your prettiest and most polished and I don’t need you to bounce yourself off george w bush for me to catch a glimpse of the real you----it’s your daily ugliness that gets my rocks off anyway…..