it's an election year, so maybe i should take a look at some of the issues facing our two billionaire shysters.....TAX CUTS: well, i'm 36-years-old and not only does my sweet, mountain-man-of-a-father still do my taxes for me, he pays for them as well......and i don't feel guilty at all.....and i'd do the same thing for my kids (assuming someone has sex with me this millennium)......bottom line: i think my father (not dad, not pop, not old man) is a shitload better than yours......if you want my opinion on tax cuts, maybe you should wait and ask me again in about 15 years.....STEM CELL RESEARCH: i must admit that's a tough one, so i think i'll give my proxy to the dudes who do "south park"......straight-up, in terms of politics, the person/place/thing/entitty that's been closest to my heart over the last 5 years is a fucking cartoon----not a politician, not an author, not a professor, and not a tv spin doctor.....as best i recall, parker and stone made fun of christopher reeves in the "stem cell" episode for letting his ego and vanity take precedence over his better judgment, so i'll just go with that for the time being......IRAQ: i think you already know how little respect i have for soldiers and guns and wars......just wake me when the terrorists (or yankees for that matter) cross the rapidan on their way to rape and pillage madison county, virginia.......by the way, no good comes from an assault rifle either---just violence and death and a murderer's karma......ABORTION: let me start off by reassuring you all that i'm pro-choice.....i might be a bigfatdude, but i'm not pregnant and i don't have the right to tell a woman what to do with her body......i wouldn't like it if the government suddenly placed restrictions on how many shits i can take when i get up in the morning.....no government should have the right to tell you what to do with your own body......and i would look right into jerry falwell's eyes and tell him (or you) the same thing----and i certainly don't feel the same way about being strong-armed into voting for a republican or a democrat.....and i would look right into your eyes and tell you that i'm voting for x, and then walk into the booth and vote for y.....god bless amerika in that respect because a secret ballot means you can't bully or peer-pressure me into voting for your paper jesus.....the flip side of the abortion issue is that if you have an abortion, don't expect me to throw a fucking party for you.....i don't think i'm a mean person and i wouldn't insult you to your face, but to tell ya the truth, those that have had an abortion (and that applies to the men as well) are a lil too fucking disgusting to be in the same room as me.....and you know what i'm like and you know what my writing is like---and you're still too fucking disgusting to be in the same room as me......some of us are lucky to get laid once a year and you're so lazy that you would throw your baby out with the garbage......dude, i'd sell my soul to the devil to have a son or a daughter, but you're a lil too fucking busy to be bothered....."but i wouldn't be able to give the baby a proper home"---well, close your fucking legs then, whore; or at least take it in the mouth or in your ass......and maybe you think i'm being judge, jury, and executioner----well, if you're free enough to abort your flesh n' blood, then i'm free enough to be a scorpio and judge you per my standards.....and again, i bring my Etiquette with me wherever i go and wouldn't be rude to your face.....just know that i'd think you were a piece-of-shit behind your back.....just know that i think you deserve a few aborted fetuses in your dreams.....just know that i think you deserve to have a sizeable chunk of your karma aborted too.....GAY MARRIAGE: julie is gay, ya know.....i don't want her to marry a woman.....i want her to marry me.....ahhh, but i'll be the bigger, fatter man.....it's fine with me if gay people get married.....it's fine with me if gay people have spousal benefits.....hatred really doesn't help any situation, ya know----why not let everyone be free?.....(*note: this is where you think my tongue is going into my cheek, but i assure you it isn't----this is what i really do think*).......for example, if you love your dog and your dog loves you, then who's to say it's wrong for you to make sweet love to your dog all night long?.....if victor thorn loves tiger-the-cat and tiger-the-cat loves victor thorn, then who's to say that their love is wrong?......and i'm not arguing you should be able to go around raping any neighborhood dog that you see----that would be wrong.....you should go up and ask the dog's owner for a "date"---just like that dude on that radio call-in show suggested......and, of course, there's the issue of puppy love.....the dog-fuckers certainly shouldn't be allowed to fuck a young dog until he/she had reached the age of sexual maturity (for bitches, i would assume that would mean their first menstrual cycle, but i'm not a licensed veterinarian, so maybe i should leave that to the experts)......make sure you understand that i'm not condoning the rape of neighborhood dogs nor do i sanction the actions of those perverts who would have sex with young dogs who are under the age of consent----the same goes for cats, goats, sheep, trees, or anything else that's fuckable.....when the great goatfucker revolution comes to fruition, let it be known that i felt their pain......viva la revolution!.....CONCLUSION (in real time): to tell ya the truth, i think amerika is bursting at the seams and the kids could motherfucking care less.....do i care?---eh, it doesn't really matter if i do or don't.....it doesn't matter what i think and it doesn't matter what i say.....for those of you taking notes: i'm not smacktalking the government here, i'm just talking about dudes who fuck cats......for those of you who would feign interest and/or crave meaning: the divide really isn't about republicans versus democrats or gays versus straights or pro-choicers versus pro-lifers, it's about rich and poor......amerika is about money.....and you might disagree with some or all of what i've just said, but you'd still sit at my table if i were the one buying the drinks......and the rich are gonna get their tax breaks whether we like it or not.....and in a few more years, the rich will be able to go over to amsterdam and clone themselves whether the u.s. department of human cloning subsidizes their trip or not----rich people are the government, so they ultimately get to do what they want regardless of the laws.....like it might be too late for the reagans to clone ronny, but there's still plenty of time for them to clone ron, jr......in a few more years, the bushes and the kerrys and the merv griffins of the world will be able to clone fleets of beautiful, young, hairless dogs regardless of local restrictions or jurisdictions----it's all a part of what it means to be free and rich and amerikan and decadent......money talks and bullshit (our words, our beliefs, our morals) walks.....so how do you want me to end this, tiger?.....i guess i'll end it by sending my shot out to magician penn jillette----the only celebrity i've seen thus far who's had the nutsack to say that it really doesn't matter what we think or who we vote for---because we're irrelevant to the machine.....no pollyanna words of wisdom from me either, tiger---just a general sense of malaise and some catnip to put up your nose.....i could quote jim morrison and tell you to "love your girl," but in 2004 amerika, "serve yourself" seems much closer to the truth and to the ideal......