Usually an Academy Award cheerleader, I’m having mixed feelings over mixed drinks about this year’s selections: I smell a gay rat.

The year Steve Martin emceed the Oscars, his opening gag was, “There’s 240 million people watching the ceremonies tonight and they’re all thinking the same thing: WE’RE ALL GAY!” Steve’s joke will prove to be portentous if Asscrack Mount Me (i.e. Brokeback Mountain) wins the gold. Indeed three out of the five nominees have gay themes. If I were using the WING TV bluebook, I’d have no choice but to use the word “conspiracy.”

It’s not that Brokeback isn’t a good little picture directed with intelligence and restraint by the world-savvy Taiwanese chap, Ang Lee, who besides being the best action filmmaker; has given us The Ice Storm, and the absolutely splendid Sense and Sensibility. There have been certain filmmakers such as Jean Renoir and Louis Malle who are able to understand all cultures and make films anywhere any time. Ang Lee is such an artist, and I didn’t even mention his mind-boggling Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

The musty old Academy had the cajones to nominate Asscrack, but will it take the big plunge and give it Best Picture?

This is the big “Query” for this year’s Oscars!

The gays will be dancing in the streets like Muslims after 9/11 and there will be candlelight parades galore from New York to San Fran Sicko. Tears and queers, tears and queers! Oh well, not the end of the world, I suppose --- unless we all die of AIDS. Thanks, gays. [Editors Note: If Mr. Kirkpatrick had done his research, he would have known that AIDS is a man-made disease created by a cabal within the U.S. government, along with the WHO (World Health Organization). It was then disseminated to - or targeted at - specific groups, such as: blacks, intravenous drug users, and gays.]

But to show that this reporter is no homophobe, I’m picking:

          BEST PICTURE OF THE YEAR: Capote

And bet the farm on Philip Seymour Hoffman in the title role – with deep apologies to Joaquin Phoenix for his wonderful performance as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. The “Cash” prize goes to cute-as-a-button Reese Witherspoon who surprised everyone as June Carter-Cash.

          BEST ACTOR: Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote

          BEST ACTRESS: Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line

Everyone clamors for more “wholesome family pictures,” but when a really authentic one comes out they stay away in droves. Such is the fate of the truly warm, moving, Cinderella Man. And the time is now long overdue for Paul Giamatti to garner an award.

          BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Paul Giamatti for Cinderella Man

If for nothing else but paying homage to the late, great Harper Lee (To Kill a Mockingbird)

          BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Catherine Keener for Capote

Now for more issues that smell to high heaven: no less outrageous as the “gay sweep” is in the foreign film category in which Germany’s Downfall is totally snuffed. OUTRAGEOUS! This magnificent film for the ages is as close as cinema has ever come to Wagner. (It’s about the last five days of Adolf Hitler down in his bunker.)

Swiss actor Bruno Gans is the first actor ever to play Hitler as a flesh-and-blood human as opposed to a mechanical stick. Almost all the really great actors have had there turn at this and failed miserably, aided and abetted by nutless directors. A hundred years from now we’ll be watching Downfall with the same queasy awe.

Thus I give you the real Top Ten movies of 2005 (forget the stupid nominees!)

          1) Downfall
          2) Capote
          3) Walk the Line
          4) Cinderella Man
          5) Woody Allen’s Match Point
          6) Crash
          7) Sin City
          8) The Constant Gardener
          9) Brokeback Mountain
          10) Collateral

My face is beet-red that I must flesh out my Top Ten with a Scientology Tom Cruise movie. But good is good. And this deadly opus was an exciting surprise by great action director Michael Mann, who turns out fine work picture after picture. Like Stanley Kubrick (R.I.P.), he probably had to sit on Cruise’s head to get, I must say, a great performance.

The makers of the latest Batman movie gave it the old college try by providing it with a fresh new vitality. And that Christian Bateman is quite the dynamic fellow. I’ve had my “Queer Eye” on this straight guy ever since American Psycho. Now there was a movie and a half! They don’t make ‘em like that any more. I hope he remains Batman for the next ten sequels. We can call them “Bateman …”

Crash, one of the five nominees, is a mystery. This messy piece of celluloid which looks like it was edited by Helen Keller, somehow turns out good (?) And Matt Dillon is a much under-appreciated actor and intellect. Yes, you heard me right. He’s one smart chap loaded with ideas. Watch him do something great someday – like the fantastic Drugstore Cowboy. But to tell the truth, does anyone remember more than three scenes from Crash? Let’s just give it the “why can’t we all just get along” award and leave it at that. However, if you want a dark, dark horse choice for Best Picture, put your chips on Crash.

Proof was engrossing, but I couldn’t do the math. Puhh … puhh. And will someone please put a plastic bag over Colin Farrell’s head and rap it tightly around his neck. Kingdom of Heaven was the worst historical film since Liz Taylor’s Cleopatra. Such doggy doo I must endure! Speaking of doggy doo, there’s always the obligatory Steven Spielberg nominee, Munich, hurl, wretch, etc …..

And finally, what’s that I smell? Dead fish? Fecal matter? Why no. It’s monsieur Georgie Porgie Clooney! (with the accent on sewer). His name is plastered all over the nominee tote board. Oiy gevalt! Am I crazy? Syriana was one of the worst films of all-time and belied Goony-Clooney’s traitorous intentions and established him as the leader of the pack of Hollywood quislings such as Viggo Mortensen, Robert Redford, Barbara Streisand, and others who would sell their country down the river. This attitude is bolstered by Clooney’s other nominee, Good Night and Good Luck, the story of cigey-poo poster boy Edward R. Murrow. Really, was Senator Joseph McCarthy that wrong?

When looking over the 2005 sorry slate of nominees, two words come to mind: “Internment Camps.”

Good Night and Good Luck, indeed!