It has recently been announced that at “Hollywood” Alex Jones' upcoming 9-11 seminar in Los Angeles, California (ticket price: $74.00), ten new workshops – with extra-special guest hosts – will be available to the general public (at least those who can afford to walk through the door). They are as follows:

AMERICAN IDOL WORSHIP: Hosted by GCN Company Man Jack Blood (Alex’s yard-boy)

How to be a fawning, boot-licking, unquestioning sycophant-automaton-cult member that will obediently drink their Kool-aid (just like CNN and Fox viewers, or Jim Jones’ zombies in Guyana) and bow at the altar of their King. Only for the most mind-numbed and brain-dead Alex Jones followers.

Admission Price: $10.00

HOW TO OPERATE A ZIONIST PROTECTION RACKET: Hosted by Alex Jones, special guest – Abraham Foxman, national director of the ADL (Anti-Defamation League)

Learn from the master himself how to use buzzwords like “neo-con,” “Illuminati,” “New World Order,” “Globalist,” and “Internationalist” to avoid at all costs exposing the Israeli-Jewish Lobby.

Admission Price: $25.00 ($15 of which will be funneled directly to the B’nai B’rith)

EXCELLENCE IN BROADCASTING: Hosted by Rush Limbaugh

Watch Alex Jones teach the crowd how to impersonate his hero – the Big Kahuna himself – Rush “Give Me an Oxycontin” Limbaugh. And yes, if you have dreams of being in patriot radio, you too can make your voice sound just like el Rushbo's.

Admission Price: $20.00 ($10 of which will be used to clandestinely buy more pills for Alex’s mentor)

THE ESSENTIALS OF BEING BLACKLISTED: Hosted by Phil “Commander Pod” Jayhan

If you don’t want to be on Alex’s shit-list for eternity (and then some), try to avoid doing what the loony-tune Commander did as he spilled the beans on Mr. Jones. Direct, verbatim quote from Phil Jayhan: "Ya, nice website. He's NOT getting a link until he links to us. Why? Because "I" am not all about Alex. And since Alex wants to be on his own, the lone ranger, far be it from me to upset his apple cart. He doesn't want us, or need us. Fuck Alex Jones. There, I said it. What every 911 person feels about Alex Jones. Everyone of us hates him. Because he is all about him. There isn't a single 911 researcher who doesn't feel this way. They ALL hate Alex Jones because of how he acts."

Admission Price: $100.00 (most of which will be used to repay all the suckers who Jayhan has been mooching money off to finance his bogus “Jay-walking” tour)

CENSORSHIP 101: Hosted by Jeff Rense

An advanced course in altering articles after they have already been published without the author’s knowledge or consent. Also, learn the most clandestine techniques to alter information out of a radio show before it’s posted in your archives. Straight out of Big Brother’s playbook. In addition, be the first to see Jeff Rense’s latest choice of disguises (i.e. wig, glasses, fake moustache, etc).

Admission Price: $10.00

PATRIOT BETRAYAL: Hosted by John Gray

First-hand testimony from the Gray family patriarch describing how Alex Jones sold them out – a trusting, Christian, patriot family – to ABC News 20/20 for an undisclosed sum of money.

Admission Price: $10.00

DRAMA QUEEN MELODRAMATICS: Hosted by Alex Jones

Listen to Alex rant n’ rave with full-blown lunatic paranoia about how the New World Order has been trying to kill him for the past ten years. What he won’t disclose, though, is that these cold-blooded hit-men don’t threaten to murder people for over a decade – and not do it – especially when they know where the supposed target lives, works, and shops. What they do instead is simply KILL them – no questions asked. In fact, actual threats to the NWO in the alternative media have been offed in the past, including Dorothy Kilgallen, Danny Casolaro, Jim Keith, William Cooper, and Gary Webb. But that won’t stop Alex, because he’ll still be whining about the NWO trying to kill him ten years from now (and guess what --- he'll still be alive!).

Admission Price: $10.00

HOW TO GO HOLLYWOOD: Hosted by Charlie Sheen

Yes, Tinseltown at its most debaucherous worst, with drugs, prostitutes, gambling, wife-beating, and booze galore. For years, Alex was on a crusade against those in la-la land, saying they were decadent, filthy, and shills for the global elite. But now he has all kinds of Hollywood buddies (thus the $74.00 ticket price) and seems to have forgotten about the hard-working everyday American patriots who can’t afford to pay such an exorbitant admission price. Plus, where was Hollywood all these years when we were in the trenches fighting? They didn’t give a damn about us then, and they still don’t give a damn about us now! How convenient for star-struck Alex.

Admission Price: $1,000.00 (none of the “little people” allowed)

PAY-TRIOT INC: Hosted by Donald Trump

The most intensive course ever provided on money-grubbing, the hard-sell, and how to milk as much money possible out of well-intentioned patriots. You’ll learn such classic phrases as “buy my video, buy my video” and “subscribe now to my pay-per-view website.” And if money doesn’t quickly become your almightiest of almighty gods, then YOU’RE FIRED!

Admission Price: $40.00 (Donald Trump needs more hairspray these days, y’know)

CUTTING n’ RUNNING: Hosted by Paul Joseph Watson (who is a master on the subject)

Do you want to become a money-grubbing, censoring, betraying, egomaniacal lunatic scumbag just like Alex Jones, yet never have to answer for your actions? Then this is the seminar for you. Become knowledgeable in how to hide behind your microphone, hang-up on callers, refuse to debate, and scream maniacally, “This is my road … MY ROAD … Get out of MY ROAD!” Never answer another question again!

Admission Price: $10.00